Recipes for Long Marriage: Valuing the Differences

I had the opportunity to catch a one-man comedy show that had the longest run on Broadway of any solo act, Rob Becker's "Defending the Caveman." No longer on Broadway, it now tours to different cities.Now, as you might expect with a title like that, the show looks at "typical" male (and female) behavior, but goes deeper to explore what makes men and women tick, why we are the way we are. Unexpectedly, it made me love and understand my hubby of 25 years even more.

Becker endears you to himself right away because he shuffles around stage in blue jeans and a t-shirt and he actually sports a bit of a gut. He strews dirty underwear all around him and notes how wives gradually take over all space in the house (such as cupboards and closets) so that the husband has no place left but the basement or garage.

He starts out trying to dispel the notion that men are jerks. For instance, he describes that men aren't really jerks when they negotiate something like who will get up and refill the bowl of potato chips while they're all watching TV. First guy: "I bought the chips." Second guy: "It's my bowl." Third guy, "I ate the chips," and so on. He explains that this is a ritual exchange that men understand completely and that works perfectly until a woman is present. Then when one guy says, "I bought the chips" in excuse for not getting up to refill the bowl, the woman thinks, "What a jerk" (real word not suitable for a family Web site).

He notes the differences between how men and women relate to their friends, as in greeting a friend after not seeing each other for a long time: She (to she with a hug): "Oh you're my oldest and dearest friend!" He (to he with a rough slap): "Hey, you still driving that piece of crap?"Becker encourages us that instead of judging the opposite sex according to your own way of thinking, just recognize the differences between men and women and don't take them personally. Men and women are different, come from different cultures if you will, but instead of being hostile toward each other, we should try to understand the other's culture and the other's language.

His premise is that it all started with the caveman: men are hunters and women are gatherers. In writing the show, Becker spent time informally studying anthropology, prehistory, psychology, and sociology. The hunter/gatherer motif reveals itself in modern man and woman's approach to shopping: men zero in on the target, while women frequently want to gather a whole lot of information before making a decision.

It is a great show for couples to see together because you feel more understanding of each other. "What blows me away is how touched people say they are," writes Becker about reactions to the show. "Many women have told me that, thanks to the show, they've fallen in love with their husbands all over again. Men have told me that the show explains them to their spouses in ways they've never quite been able to articulate before."

One critic felt that "ultimately Becker is a romantic, looking back to an impossible past in which men and women honored each other." Well I guess I'm a romantic too but I think this idea of "honoring" is a helpful value for our society too.Men and women honoring each other reminds me of the Scripture verse in Romans 12:10: "Love one another with mutual affection; outdo one another in showing honor."

If we believe men are jerks, it becomes easy to stop loving them, and start doubting ourselves. Was I really so dumb as to marry a jerk? So anything that helps men and women understand, honor and love each other goes a long way towards helping marriages succeed.

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Contributed by Melodie Davis from her weekly columnANOTHER WAY (http://www.thirdway.com/aw/).For information on using Another Way in a local newspaper, contact:ANOTHER WAY, 1251 Virginia Ave., Harrisonburg, VA 22801-2497; or call1-800-999-3534; fax at 540-434-5556; or email me at:Melodie@mennomedia.org