Blaming Others

Blaming others is a national pastime. The talk show pundits do it.The candidates do it. Columnists sometimes make money blaming others. Childrenmay be learning it at home from parents who do it, too.John Miller, agraduate of Cornell University, lives in Denver, Colorado with his wife, Karen,and seven children, including three whom they have adopted. If seven childrenare enough to give you pause, you can bet Mr. Miller has some down-to-earththinking on parenting, including the idea that parenting is really all aboutteaching children personal accountability. Can we actually teach children toavoid the blame game that ensnares so many of us?

To test Mr. Miller's premise that the secret to good parenting is teaching yourkids personal accountability, answer honestly: When something doesn't go right,what do your children hear you say? Do you blame your boss? Is it the fault of aguidance counselor in high school who put you on the college track when youwould have benefited greatly from technical school? Do you blame the pastor whenthings don't go your way at church?

Miller points out that although we wouldn't be human if we didn't complain andblame sometimes, if our children hear us excessively blaming others, they willgrow up to be blamers and victims .

Miller outlines a fairly simple way to get away from blaming others. The"Question Behind the Question" is a method of taking a bad question and changingit into one that helps people claim their personal responsibility, take action,and fix a problem. "Personal accountability is not about changing others orcontrolling what you cannot. It's about making a difference by changingyourself," says Miller. Begin your questions with "What" or "How". For example,ask, "What can I do to make a difference in my child's education?" or "How can Iget to know my teen better?".

In his book,QBQ: The Question Behind the Question(Denver Press, 2001), Millershares a story of entering a crowded restaurant in downtown Minneapolis. As hesqueezed onto a seat at the crowded counter, a young man carrying a tray full ofdirty dishes hurried past on his way to the kitchen. Catching Miller's eye, theyoung man asked, "Have you been helped?" Miller answered, "no", indicating thathe only wanted a salad and a couple of rolls. The waiter said he'd bring it andasked Miller what he wanted to drink. Miller preferred Diet Coke, but the waiterresponded, "Oh, we only sell Pepsi. Would that be okay?". Miller opted for waterand the waiter promised to be right back. Indeed he was back in a minute withthe salad, rolls and water. As Miller began to eat, a few minutes later thewaiter reappeared bearing a twenty-ounce bottle of cold Diet Coke. "Wow!" saidMiller, thanking him, and then added, "I thought you didn't sell Coke?" Thewaiter replied, "We don't. It came from the grocery store around the corner."Miller, almost in shock, asked, "But you've been awfully busy. How did you havetime to go get it?"

"I didn't, sir. I sent my manager!" To Miller, that was an excellent example ofmanagement empowering workers to serve the customer at all costs, and takingpersonal responsibility for seeing to it that people were treated right.

Miller points out that the waiter could have blamed any number of others for thesituation, such as whomever was supposed to cover the counter area, questioningwhy only one cola was on the menu, asking why the restaurant was short staffed,or complaining that customers ought to read the menu. Instead, his attitude was"What can I do to make a difference here?"

Wouldn't we all like to be surrounded by such people in our workplace, at homeor at school? The answer, of course, comes right back at us: "What can I do tomake a difference here?"

Teaching personal responsibility to our children is easier when we take personalresponsibility ourselves. It's an important part of the Christian life.

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Contributed by Melodie Davis from her weekly columnANOTHER WAY (http://www.thirdway.com/aw/).For information on using Another Way in a local newspaper, contact:ANOTHER WAY, 1251 Virginia Ave., Harrisonburg, VA 22801-2497; or call1-800-999-3534; fax at 540-434-5556; or email me at:Melodie@mennomedia.org