Happy Holidays? After a Child Dies

Some readers will remember my father died in March of this year so I have been thinking about the difficulties of getting through the "first" anniversaries following the death of a loved one. Then someone wrote me anonymously asking that I write about the struggle of getting through the holidays after the death of a child.

It goes without saying that the death of a child is infinitely more difficult to cope with than the death of an 89-year-old man who was longing to go to his heavenly home.

Everyday events bring sharp stabs of pain to those who have lost a child: the excited chatter of children waiting to see Santa Claus, walking past a toy store, Christmas specials on TV, commercials, pictures, families together at church or school events. And it can be many, many years later: the loss is never truly forgotten, and special times like holidays hit grieving parents afresh.

December 10 is a day when in many homes around the globe, families will light (or have lit) a single candle in the window at 7 p.m. to burn for one hour. This is organized by the grief support organization for families who have lost a child, Compassionate Friends.

Parents and families find support in many ways, but local chapters of Compassionate Friends can be a life-giving resource. They commissioned a study looking at how people respond to this agonizing loss. The Centers for Disease Control estimates that almost one million children die annually (most of these from pre-birth miscarriage or stillbirth) leaving nearly two million bereaved parents every year. Approximately 150,000 birthed children and young adults die in the U.S. annually.

I found two surprising aspects of this study: one, many people think that if you lose a child, divorce soon follows. While the death of a child understandably stresses a marriage to its core, the statistics show that among those who have lost a child, the divorce rate is only about 16 percent, while nationally the divorce rate is approximately 50 percent. So that is a myth we can put to rest. This should bring hope and a measure of healing to families that are struggling.

The other aspect of this study we should pay attention to is that co-workers were listed by the 400 respondents as less than helpful after the death of a child. Parents found more support from friends, family and physicians. I'm sure that is partly because of the complexity of work relationships: people may be very close friends on the job, but outside of work it is not always clear how far friendships go. Will I jeopardize my job if I go out on a limb to support a co-worker who is depressed and grieving and can't do his work? People are also just plain ill-at-ease about what to say, and often don't bring it up thinking it will remind parents of their emotional load while on the job. ("When a Child Dies," Oct. 2006, www.compassionatefriends.org)

Coping with the holidays is difficult because the holidays are normally such a joyful and happy time that the juxtaposition of what is supposed to be joy with one's inner sadness make the tears flow even more profusely. Parents wonder, "How can I keep from ruining the holiday for my other children?"

Darcie D. Sims, writing in a booklet, "Getting Through the Holidays When You've Lost a Loved One" gives some good tips: Go easy on yourself. Those who have passed several years since the death of a child can remember the gift your child was to you. If something is too painful to do or participate in, don't feel like you have to do it. Things are not the same and you can't pretend that they are. Spend quiet time thinking about your memories, and what you can do and can't do. Take care of yourself physically as much as possible. Many find relief in a strenuous walk or exercise: it clears the brain and lifts the mood. For the sake of your other children, don't throw away all of your regular traditions and activities. Adapt them or start new ones if the old practices are just too painful. Some find it helpful to travel to a new location, or spend the day with someone else.

Reach out to others in a similar situation. If you don't know anyone, surely friends or a pastor could put you in touch with others, or check to see if there is a Compassionate Friends chapter in your city (website address above).

If you're interested, there is more information about:
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Contributed by Melodie Davis: MelodieD@MennoMedia.org Melodie is the author of eight books and writes a syndicated newspaper column, Another Way