If the Gloves Are Too Big, You Didn't Listen

Of all the hints for a lasting and happy marriage, "good communication" is probably top on the list of any counselor, preacher, or do-it-yourself advisor who dares to tackle the subject. As with most cliches, it is mentioned so often because it is true.

I say "dares to tackle" because I certainly don't have this marriage communication thing licked, even after 32 years of marriage. We have our ups and downs.

Here are some examples of how we've failed at communication recently, in spite of trying. My work is closer to stores than where my husband works, so he called on his way to work and asked me to stop by a tool supply store on my way home to pick up two pair of large leather work gloves. We had hunted recently at home for some, and all the gloves at home were too small for him. I habitually take notes when people call me on the phone, and I dutifully jotted a reminder to myself.

When I got to the store, I neglected to look at my note, and picked up two pair of extra large. My reasoning was, if the mediums at home were too small, then he probably really needs extra large. There didn't seem to be much difference between the sizes to me.

When he got home he was at first very grateful to see the gloves, and then sputtered when he realized they were extra large. "I specifically told you large," he said. "You never listen to me." My mind was fuzzy at that point--did he say it or didn't he? I told him my reasoning, that a little extra room couldn't hurt.

"Well in this case I can't use extra large with my chainsaw because if they are bulky they become dangerous and hang up in the handholds. I really need large for this job." I was upset and so was he.

So we fail at communicating, in spite of ourselves, and are left frustrated. He drove off to buy his gloves and we both calmed down.

Only later did I find the note I'd written myself and there it was on paper: "2 pair lg leather gloves." He felt justified that he had said "large" and I was glad to see I wasn't losing my mind, that I had just made an honest mistake. He forgave accordingly. If he had told me the reason he needed large and not extra large, I might have remembered, but then sometimes I tune out when he continues with multiple explanations of things.

The nice thing is, after 32 years of communication snafus, you can take them more in stride. So bear that in mind if you are just two or 12 years into your marriage. A communication breakdown doesn't mean you should get divorced or that you can't get along. It just means you're human. You will have communication problems with whoever you are married to, because as humans we all have different ways of looking at issues and we hear different things.

You probably already know common tips for better communication: repeat what you've heard, play it back to the partner, state your problem in "I" language: "I feel like clamming up when I'm not heard." When you truly are at an impasse, don't be embarrassed to seek help from a pastor or counselor. Don't interrupt, don't try to read the other's mind (and don't make them read yours) cool down, keep focused on the issue at hand, and don't drag up things that happened 10 years ago. My last tip: talk to your spouse with as much respect as you would your best friend. He or she probably is.

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Contributed by Melodie Davis: MelodieD@MennoMedia.org Melodie is the author of eight books and writes a syndicated newspaper column, Another Way